My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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