I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I understand Curling. That high.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
