You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We need to rekindle our bromance
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
