You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
