Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
