theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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