at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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