too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
