you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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