you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
