can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
