I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
