omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
