Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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