I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize