Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
