There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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