ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
We named our party play list daddy issues
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
