i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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