You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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