then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize