if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Green mimosas i think yes
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
