This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I need to sanitize my soul.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
