im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize