My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
