So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Randomize
