i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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