my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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