He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
