What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
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