we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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