If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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