he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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