I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
