Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
