Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
