I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
