seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
