she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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