the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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