You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
