allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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