I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My penis needs a shock collar
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
