If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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