Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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