Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
