If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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