Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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