yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize