I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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