He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
