Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
