just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
