My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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