Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
