I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
