You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
