If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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